Wednesday, 19 March 2014

Writing 2nd draft

Here is my second draft of my recount. I changed it and made it more focused on one thing. Please feel free to leave a comment.

For weeks before camp everyone had been talking about the abseiling. At first I thought it was a type of sailing a little boat! Yay I like water, and boats I might be an expert. Then I noticed on our camp packing list...a bike helmet...for abseiling...hang on! My group decided to research abseiling and guess means walking backwards down a HUGE crumbling rock face with just a tiny thin rope between you and certain death falling all that way to the ground! Actually our research assured us it was safe, there would be an instructor and the ropes they use could hold the weight of a fully grown african elephant. Hmm, so it was all perfectly safe. I was not convinced.

The day of camp finally arrived. My tummy was churning with butterflies. Some kids were worried about being away from home, not me! All I could think about was the challenge we were going to face dropping ourselves over some gigantic rock face somewhere!

As the bus rolled through the gates to Highland Home my eyes widened. A huge grassy field emerged to our left. On the right a long gravel road twisted down a hill and the top of a huge wooden tower loomed high in the air. My tummy flip flopped, I wonder what that was for? 

Soon we were off the bus and strolling around the grounds on our tour. 
We settled into camp and there were lots of fun activities. Always at the back of my mind though all I could think about was that tiny string thing hanging of that that... It trailed on. 

Night came and the last thing I saw before I ducked into my cabin that huge wall glomming over Highland home watching us.

Morning came I checked the timetable

8 Abseiling 

I could not believe it! How could we do this if there was no abseiling wall?
Oh well. Next was rock climbing. Ants the instructor went though all the stuff we needed to know then my eyes clicked.

While I was waiting I figured that the wall was a huge I mean HUGE cube so that means... AHHH THE ABSEILING IS ON THE OTHER SIDE!!!!!!!

After five minutes of screaming in my head  steering at the monster wall I was attached to a rope and started to rock climb. At half way all these thoughts tumbled out of my head. But they will be back again...tomorrow. 

At breakfast everyone talked about how they are scared of heights they asked me. I do not know maybe I should be scared of heights. I tried to remember our next thing activity um.... was it slip and slide? No. Rock climbing? No. Photo diary. UH NO. ABSEILING! It all went dark...

Soon I was called up the ladders. They were rusty and old. Rickety like a car with a lose screw. They wobbled and wobbled. Soon I reached the top Ants clipped me up. Grace swallowed. It went cold. I still just looked at the ground slowly I reached for the bar grasped it and looked up.

It was bright again all happy the sun had chose to brighten. This made me happy. I was not afraid of heights. Now it was my turn.

All the happiness and light drained away. I stood on the edge clutching the bar. my heart pounding. bang bang bang it went the sound of it wound me up more. Even more dark I started waking down the wall and a black mat as soon as that mat finished and I was on wood my footing slipped. Strike one. I clutched the rope tightly in terror. I looked down strike two!

Learning partner comment: I like the way you have used personification.
I think that you could work on adverbs and metaphors.


1 comment:

  1. Great work Bella! There is so much more suspense in this 2nd draft! Perhaps you could read the Bull Run again and see how you can beef up your story for even more effect. Don't forget to check your spelling too. Mum.