Writing Sample Term

WALT:  Entertain

My writing goal this term was to link ideas between paragraphs and sentences.

SUCCESS CRITERIA

I have organised and sequenced my ideas into paragraphs for purpose and effect.

TASK: craft a free-choice piece of writing that shows how I am developing my goal


First draft...

My hands were shaking like mad. The wind whipped by long golden blond hair  as the sun just manages to shimmer through the clouds.

I peer through the narrow doorway a dark shadowy figure  is about ten paces from me I shudder once more. I hear James gulp beside me. Ronald is on alert he is trying to look brave but I can see through his good facials that stand out. The ground is sizzling like a fry pan. A beam of light appears throughout the dark corridor. James nervously took my hand holding it tight like the worlds about to end any second. Ronald was quick to connect onto my other hand. My head went dizzy and the feet that used to be stepping in a rather fast rhythm had slowed right down and my world seemed to turn in slow motion. The blurry beam of light got bigger and bigger slowly coming into more focus.

I felt a sharp pain it was James nudging me I came instantly back to life. “Oi” I said sharply glaring at  James who sighed getting told off again. “You two stop it” Ronald spat “I  am the boss here Mr” I reply “Oh really, Here we go again” James sighed “ oh now you are trying to support HER” Ronald spoke with a hint of jealousy.  “Well yeah” Said James quietly “I guess?”.

He took another step towards me our shoulders were now touching. Ronald wasn’t happy he looked upset.

It took us all ages to find out that the footsteps had stopped altogether and the light and shadow had gone until James noticed. “Hey Hey stop bickering you two where did that light go? And the footsteps have stopped guys this is weird.” “Um yeah” I said suddenly alert trying to spot something in the pitch black place. “Well as long as it is gone it doesn't worry me!” Ronald smiled happily while James stepped forward about five paces. “WHO’S THERE” James bellowed “BOO!”  came a voice from behind us I lept out of my skin and then spun around in a 3 60.

Taking a step back the sound of a 2 match sticks rubbing together made by heart leap. A smell of smoke filled the air. A candle was lit the flames burned my eyes. “Oh sorry Dears” The woman said. She was rather old she held a walking stick in her left hand. She was wearing a pink dress. She also had a purple top hat that covered most of her hair but a few gray hairs could be seen from under the hat.

Published pice.

I thought about Jenny - at home in her bed. Hardly breathing, her heart lost. Only ten years old. She woke up this morning agitated. She bit Ronalds arm, we heard a scream of pain. And there she was, lying on the ground. Blood everywhere. Struggling to breathe. We have only 5 hours to save her.

There are footsteps, echoing throughout the dim honeycomb corridor. I hear James gulp beside me. Ronald is on alert, he is trying to look brave, but I can see through his gritted teeth. A beam of light appears throughout the dark corridor. The feet that used to be stepping in a rather fast rhythm had slowed right down, my world turned in slow motion. The blurry beam of light became larger and larger, slowly coming into focus.

It took us ages to find out that the footsteps had stopped altogether, all the light and shadow had gone until James noticed. “Where did that light go? The footsteps have stopped as well. Guys this is weird.”

“Um, yeah” I said, suddenly alert, trying to spot something in the pitch black. James stepped forward five paces. “WHO’S THERE?” he bellowed. “BOO!” came a voice from behind. I lept out of my skin and spun around in a 3.60.“What are you guys doing here” A voice said...

Evaluation

How has your writing has improved this term?

I have improved my sentences and language features trying to make it flow and make senesce.

The part of my story I am most proud of is….because…

I love the part where I build up suspense in that way that the characters talk which was a big change from my first draft. 

Next time, what is a goal you can work towards?

Using better words to make my writing stronger and to paint a picture. I need to do this because I am using weak   words.  So it will not give as much impact.

Feedback/Feedforward:
Great job Bella. I like the way of how you described Jenny back home with a sick heart. Your words are fantastic and they really hook the reader. Maybe what you could fix up is to ask your self, "Have I really reached me goal?" Aye  ^__^
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